I can’t even count how often I’ve just thought of ditching the whole blog thing. Keeping a blog, that is. (I can’t foresee ever giving up reading blogs.) Thing is, my idea of what I want my blog for–a place just to record my life and work through my thoughts–always gets distorted the second I start thinking that someone else could read it. I somehow can’t get past the paralysis of that thought. Anxiety sucks.
Been sort of feeling lost in a lot of ways lately. Adrift. Not sure how to get my footing. I’m talking about life here, not my blog. Though it does sort of apply there too.
Thing is I do know what I want. I say so right there in the tagline. I sort of wrote that as my mantra a few years back, and it still applies. A more creative life. A more sustainable life. A more appreciative life. A more giving life. A more informed life. Yep–still want all those things. Still know those are the things that matter to me.
But it’s not the life I live in my heart. I feel like the life I live is “an obligated life.” A life of “musts” and “shoulds.” And I know to some extent there is no escaping that. Being human comes with responsibilities. And while I’m sick to tears of even the mention of fibro, there’s no avoiding the fact that it is of late sucking much of the optimism from my life.
Ah, but on the flip side, I’ve been feeling inspired lately. By my dearest friends.
One has been inspiring me to grasp opportunities and live in the moment and be open to the awesomeness of life despite it’s capacity to hurt us. She’s been reminding me of the joys that sharing brings. She’s been reminding me that being alive is a blessing, and that nothing could be more important than the connections we make with others. I love her so. damn. much.
Another friend has been inspiring me to accept what is. To grasp what good and wonderful and beautiful we can from even the most heartbreaking and painful of circumstances. And he’s been reminding me that we’re all full of contradictions, and that that can be confusing…but that sometimes we just have to roll with it. I love him so. damn. much.
And yet another friend has been inspiring me to embrace the magic of quiet pursuits. Ours lives are very different in some ways, but her deliberateness in choosing how she spends her time has been reminding me that I could choose more wisely myself at times. And that I should count myself as a worthwhile recipient of my time. And yep…I sure do love her too.
So have my babblings gotten me anywhere today? I suppose it remains to be seen. But I hope like hell that I can start living those inspirations. And that I can remind myself more often what it is I do want from this life. And that maybe, just maybe, I can drop a few of those shoulds.